Almost a Quitter

I know its been awhile since I last posted. Honestly, this past month I've been telling myself that I quit. I was completely ready to stop posting and try to eat like "normal" people. But I can never eat like a normal person. I am physically (well, maybe mentally) unable to stop eating. I can't just have a bite or a handful, I have to eat it all. Sometimes it gets so out of control that I'm eating and I feel sick and the food doesn't even taste good anymore and I"M STILL EATING. It is the most frustrating thing in the world, but I can't make myself stop. Anyway, I've been so messed up this past month. I binged for days at a time and then I felt so sick and bloated and terrible. And then I came back here and read some of your guys posts. You are all such an inspiration to me. I truly feel 1000 times more motivated to stay on track and lose the rest of the fat thats still clinging to by body. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Other than my month long binge, the only other news I have is that I gained six fucking pounds. Not exactly shocking under the circumstances, but still depressing, I'm hoping that if I put in a good two hours at the gym every night this week, I may be able to lose the majority of it.

Also, I tried the cabbage soup diet the beginning of last month. It is possibly the worst diet I have ever tried. I lost five pounds, which is great, but I had the biggest sweet tooth by the time I finished the diet. There's this one day where you eat only bananas and milk (and cabbage soup, of course) and its supposed to get rid of your sweet cravings. That was definitely not the case with me. It basically led to the biggest binge of my life. Has anyone else tried the cabbage soup diet?

I'd write more, but I want to get to the gym so I have at least two hours there before it closes. I hope you're all doing well! I'll have to catch up on your blogs!
Callie xx

I Need A Gym Pass

I haven't lost any weight yet. It's so depressing so I'm going out tonight and getting a gym pass. I automatically have one when I'm at school because my tuition covers the cost, and the past 5 years I've had one at a gym close to my house because I worked at the pool in the the facility. But now I'm gym pass less. And I miss it. So I probably have to spend every dollar in my bank account for it, but it's worth it even though I'm poor.

Also, I'm starting the cabbage soup diet tomorrow. I got the recipe/diet here: http://www.cabbage-soup-diet.com/index.php
They claim you can eat as much as you want, and emphasize stuffing yourself, but i'll probably refrain from that. I just don't like the feeling of being full and bloated.

And my new job is so great! It's just typical office job stuff but I really, really like it there. Sorry this is such a quick post but I just want to get my gym pass! I'm leaving asap!

Callie xx

Quick Update

I start my new job tomorrow and I am so nervous and it's making me eat so much shit just out of stress and nervousness. I ate one of those little bags of mini eggs (which is like 200 calories!) and I ate dinner with my family which was a piece of frozen pizza and some salad. I ate so much and most of it wasn't healthy and I've definitely gained at least 2 pounds just today. I'm too scared to weight myself. I've started avoiding the bathroom just so I don't have to look at my scale.

I'm beyond nervous for this job. It's like a real office type job where you have to wear heels and dress pants and look nice and I'm just going to look like crap. I'll have fat hanging out over my pants and my arms are really flabby and I know I'm going to look terrible. They'll probably wish they hadn't hired me. I don't even know how I got this job. My interview was so awkward.

Anyway, other than how crappy I look and all the junk I've eaten today I really don't have much more to say.
I hope you're all doing well!
Callie xx

More Work, More Money

I spent the better part of the day today at orientation for this host job I have for tomorrow and the day after. Basically, I'm working at a music festival and I just lead a band around until they leave, and then lead another band around and then another... Kind of boring, but I'll be busy. Plus the building has 5 floors so I'm constantly going to be walking up and down them. Hopefully I'll be too busy for lunch. But it's a pretty quick/easy way for me to make $200. At this point every penny counts. I've got to pay the rent for my apartment on May 1st (even though I'm not there) and I need to buy new clothes for my new job. It's business office dress so I need at least a new pair of dress pants, a blazer, a few blouses/shirts and a pair of shoes or two. Kind of a great excuse for new clothes. I definitely don't mind paying money for them, I just hate not having money. But I suppose in this case I'm spending money to make money.

Haven't eaten too much today, I'm actually doing pretty well so far. I had:
oatmeal - 150 calories
small piece of cantaloupe - 30 calories
cup of black coffee x3 - just about 0 cal
homemade rice noodle soup - 180 calories
steamed brocolli - 60 calories
salmon - 130 calories
total: 550 calories
So far I'm doing well. I'm probably going to eat an apple in a bit and maybe some carrots if I'm really really hungry. It's definitely going to be under 800 calories today (my goal for everyday this week)!

Good luck everyone!
Callie

40 Pounds Later

Right before writing this I was editing my stats to input my current weight, and I realized exactly a year ago I was 40 pounds of fat heavier. It kind of came as a shock. I lost most of the weight in the past four months but it was such a slow process and so much hard work. I have 32lbs more to lose, but I've been so dedicated lately that I feel almost unstoppable. I just keep repeating I can do this, I can do this over and over again in my head. I will get there. I have to get there.

And I apologize for not posting for over three weeks. I was swamped with term papers and then exams and I just didn't want to get distracted from studying. My exams went pretty well. My first four went amazingly well. I'm expecting good marks in all of those classes, but my exam this morning was terrible. Its a hard course but I spent days studying for it to the point where I had textbook answers memorized. I couldn't have been more prepared. But once I started the exam I felt like I had studied for the wrong course. The prof for this course is actually really reasonable. She (usually) writes super fair exams that are really clear and I do really well on them. But this exam felt like a stranger had written the exam. For the entire first hour I wrote almost nothing. I would do a question, erase it, do the question again, erase it, move on to the next question, repeat. Then after about an hour I started to feel really nauseous. I thought I was going to throw up in the exam room so I asked for the key to the bathroom (because they have these super strict bathroom rules during exams). I didn't realize my prof had to wait by the exam room door to let me back in because after I had spent 15 minutes trying to pull myself together and trying not to throw up, I went back into the exam room and got asked so many questions by my prof. First she thought I had somehow talked to someone in the hall and then she started telling me I looked like I was going to faint. It was so embarrassing. I just told her I thought I had the flu, but really I made myself sick from freaking out about the exam. How crazy is that? I was literally so nervous I made myself physically sick. Anyway, I eventually calmed down and finished the exam.

So after potentially failing that exam, I had to pack up ALL of my stuff so I could move out. I spent four hours packing and then an hour of packing the car with my mom. It was so tedious, but I got a lot of exercise. Then I had to move all my stuff from the car to my room at home and I'm still unpacking. I hate moving. Like absolutely despise it. I didn't even want to move, I miss res so much already. Plus I've got about a million long-distance friendships to keep up on now. Not that it's a bad thing, its just that most of my friends live far away from me so I miss them a lot during the summers. Oh well, I'll get over it. It's only four months.

Other than exams and moving back home, the only other new news is that I got the government job I was talking about in my last post. They interviewed 16 people for one position and I got it! I could not be more ecstatic!

That's all for now, I'm so exhausted. I hope things are going well for everyone!
Callie
xx

New Clothes

I'd just like to take a moment to thank all of the people who have recently began following me. Thank you so much! It means a lot to me and it's such a motivation boost! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

I've been looking around for a new blog template and I haven't quite found one that fits. This one is okay for now, but I'm still on the hunt for something springy/not too busy. I seem to find either really emo ones or really busy pink ones with a million hearts and stars. Anyway, I can't figure out how to remove the date from the template (since I title my blogs as the date) so I just changed the title of each post. Kind of tedious but I couldn't stand having some posts be dates and others titles.

I went shopping today for interview clothes for Wednesday. It was kind of fun really. I was trying on blouses for a bit and then my mom brought over a pair of dress pants because dress pants were on sale. I looked at the tag and saw it was a size 12, my old size at about 180lbs. I tried them on and they were super baggy. To prove my point, I opened the change room door and showed my mom. She got super happy and then went and grabbed a size 10, which to her delight, still were too baggy. She did this happy dance thing and went and grabbed a size 8 which fit well but were a tad lose. I tried the 6 on but it was slightly tight and I decided to go with the 8. I cannot believe that I am almost a size 6! Hopefully by the end of this month I can make the size 6 pants fit like the 8. I'll be a normal size again! Also, I bought a blouse that was a size medium instead of large or extra-large. It was such an achievement! I mentioned this before, but my mom is a tiny little woman. She's 105lbs and 5"2. And she always has to comment on my weight. For once, it felt so good for her to be proud of my weight. She's still going on about how I'm almost a size 6 again. It's fantastic. I couldn't be happier, although I still have a lot to go. It's really hard having a mom whose so small when I'm so big. Before my mom had me she only weighed 95lbs. So not only do I have to deal with being super fat, I get blamed for my mom being 10lbs heavier than she was before she has me. Which is ridiculous because a) she was 25 when she had me, and she definitely isn't anymore and b) it's her fault she gained the weight, not me. I had absolutely nothing to do with it. It's not like I asked to be born.

So I have new dress pants, a beautiful dark blue blouse and a cute dark grey blazer. It'll be perfect for my interview. And the best part? My mom paid for everything because I lost weight. Could there be a better motivation than a happy mom and new clothes? I doubt it.

That's about it. I'm not back to school yet because I have the interview on Wednesday. I'm such skipper. I'm missing three days of classes.

Take care everyone and good luck!
Callie

Interview

I have a job interview on Wednesday for a government job. I've been trying to check out hourly rates of pay for student government jobs and it appears to be between $12 and $15 an hour. My last job paid $12.50 an hour, so there is a chance I'd be making less an hour than I was last year, but my job last year was only for July and August. It was awful May and June when I was just bumming around getting a few hours here and there from my mom's work, dad's work and my friend's brother's painting business. I made three times as much in July and August as I did in May and June. I don't really want to go through that again, and $12.00 an hour means $7200 for the summer which is fantastic. The only thing is I have these beautiful dress pants I want to wear to the job interview but they're just that little bit too small where you can kind of notice that they're a little tight. I figure if I don't eat much from now to Wednesday I can get to the point where they're a little uncomfortable to wear, but don't appear too tight. That's the goal anyway. I'm not sure how that's going to work out with Easter dinner tomorrow afternoon. Plus Easter chocolate. Last year I just slowly dropped eggs from my basket to my brother's basket, but that requires quite a bit of self control. My parents usually give me a chocolate bunny. And so do my grandparents. Maybe I'll just leave them in my floor's lounge with an "eat me" sign. My floor eats anything. It's dangerous to even leave food in the floor fridge. They're the worst influences ever. My friend had a birthday party with cake last december right before we all went home and she forgot her cake in the lounge fridge. When everyone came back in January (almost 4 weeks later) people actually ate the cake. It was disgusting.



Anyway, that's about it. I want this government job soo bad. My fingers are crossed!
Best of luck tomorrow, everyone. Easter's up there with Thanksgiving and Christmas on my list of 'danger days'. We can make it through!
Callie
xx

Korea?

I learned about eating disorders in my child development class today. I didn't really think that much of it at the time, but after awhile I started noticing that my friend kept trying to catch my eye. So I turn and look in her direction and I mouthed 'what' to her. And she just rolls her eyes and turns away. I found it weird at the time, but afterwords she confronted me about my 'disordered eating' and how I'm losing weight. All I really said was that I need to lose weight. I don't think anyone could come back with a truly honest comeback for that one. And of course, she couldn't. She just talked about how I skip meals and such and I just said it was because I'd eaten a lot the meal before. I just came up with an excuse for everything she said. It was kind of a close call. I don't really want her monitoring every thing I eat at every meal. In all honestly, I actually avoid eating with this girl because she always comments on what I'm eating. And I don't really like her that much. She lives fairly far away from me next year and I think I'm just going to avoid her. She's super negative all the time and kind of depressing to be around. Plus she goes out three or four times a week which really isn't much of a good influence for me when I'm trying to cut back on alcohol.

Haven't lost anymore weight. I'm still stuck at 158. I been eating way too much lately. I'm trying to use clothes as inspiration but it's not working. I might just go for a really long run to burn off some of the calories I ate today.

Some exciting news- I got a call from a department in the government asking me if I wanted to schedule a job interview for a summer job with them. I couldn't be more excited! They pay really well and it's a 9-5 job, so I'd have weekends and nights off to be with my friends. It's perfect!

Also, I've been thinking more and more about going to teach English in a different country. Right now I'm kind of stuck on Korea. I can't get the thought out of my head. But if I did decide to go, I wouldn't go until I'm done my degree, which isn't for two more years. I just can't stop thinking about it. I keep looking at blogs by people who are in Korea or have been in Korea teaching english. Some of them are so good, I'm going to keep up on reading them. I'm just worried about not speaking Korean/not knowing anyone who lives in the country. I'm sure you'd meet other people through orientation, but I wonder if they'd be in the same city as you. Hmm. Anyway, its just something that's been on my mind lately.

I've got a few goals for April. The first being blogging more often such as I've done 9(?) blogs this month. It's pathetic, I've got way more time on my hands than that. Plus, I find blogging almost therapeutic. I get all of my feelings out and I can talk about anything I want and whoever I want. It's works out well. So I'm hoping to blog either everyday or once every two or three days.
My second goal is to lose 10 pounds. I want to be 148 by May 1st.

Anyway, that's about it. Take care everyone!
Callie
xx

Photoshoot

I read an article today about how losing weight is 70% diet and 30% exercise. Being someone who exercises frequently, I found this kind of disheartening. I do try my best to always eat healthy, but it is so hard at times. Well, I guess now I'll just have to try harder. In a way it makes sense. When I eat 500-800 calories I lose weight pretty quickly, whereas if I eat 1500 and go for a long run I don't really lose weight that quickly. I guess I should stop running and quit eating. Although I don't think I could ever give up running, I like it too much!

Not much has changed since yesterday. I skipped my classes today to work at a photoshoot. It wasn't anything big, it was just a photographer who has a few models he always shoots. One of them was my good friend who recommended me as a makeup artist. I was so flattered! Anyway, I had a blast working there and I got paid $20 a model. Pretty decent pay when all I'm doing is practicing and gaining experience. Plus it only took me about 30 minutes for each model, and they provided makeup that was given to them by maybelline. The only main problem is that I hate maybelline mascara. Like absolutely despise it. I think out of all their mascaras there's only two I like and neither of them were provided since they are not new mascaras. So I was stuck with great lash mascara and some even shittier kind which, honestly, I didn't even know was possible. I always thought great lash was the absolute worst, but apparently I'm wrong. It was awful. I didn't even know what to do, the stuff clumped so bad! In the end, it was okay. He didn't do any close up shots, so it just made their eyelashes look really thick. I did the best I could with it really. But the rest was so great!

I haven't eaten all day because I was too nervous this morning and after seeing all the models I never want to eat again. Ugh, two of them were so skinny you could see almost all of their ribs. I'm so incredibly jealous.

Apparently Eva Longoria is a double zero. She's so gorgeous and so tiny.



No change in my weight. Not necessarily bad, I was just hoping to lose at least a pound today since I'm fasting. So disappointing.

Good luck everyone!
Callie
xx

Lease

I'm feeling really fat today. I've got this feeling that I have now turned into this giant balloon. It's terrible, I hate feeling like this. I went out last night with a few friends. It was a ton of fun in the beginning. I was looking prettier than usual and had quite a lot to drink so by the time I got to the bar I was quite drunk. So I'm at the bar, and this one guy who was somewhat decent looking starts dancing with me. So everything's fine, he bought me a drink, we go back to dancing, and this guy will not stop kissing my neck. I know it sounds weird, but I'd been dancing with him for like 15 minutes tops and usually I wouldn't mind, especially since he was a really good kisser. It's just that as soon as he showed me he actually liked me, all I could think about was whether or not I would sleep with him. And then I start feeling like a cow. And all I can think about is sleeping with him would mean I'd be naked. And he'd see me naked. And I'm a giant cow. So all these thoughts are going through my head and the alcohol is making me feel dizzy, and he's still kissing my neck and I make some kind of excuse up and ran away from him. It was so unlike me. I have this nice, good-looking guy who liked me and I ran away? Ugh, what is wrong with me? Anyway, the rest of my night went pretty well. I met some random people and befriended them. Smoked about three cigarettes (although I don't smoke), had a few more drinks and avoided dancing with every single guy. Even this really hot guy whose in one of my classes. Who I'm in love with. I have major, major issues.

Moving on to happy things, I signed my lease last week, and it turns out my grandparents are moving so I can get a lot furniture and dishes and such from them for free! It's perfect timing. Plus I have the best roommates in the world, I'm just (still) worried about food and what will happen. Oh well, it's not for another five months. I'll worry about it then.

And here's some thinspiration for the upcoming week. I always seem to eat less monday-friday than on weekends. It probably has to do with alcohol.





And after all my drinking last night it appears I've lost two pounds. Very, very weird. There's probably something wrong with my scale. I'm going to head out for a run and hopefully sometime this afternoon I can make it to the gym.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

Feeling Better

Hi everyone!
I'm feeling 1000x better than my last post. I think I'm finally getting over mono and should be back to normal soon! I'm still keeping my weight down, but I'm struggling with it. I refuse to gain any of the weight I lost when I was sick. It's not happening.

School has been killing me lately. On top of having mono I had three midterms and a gigantic paper due last week. I'm still recuperating from it, but I keep getting shitty marks back on my midterms. Each mark is like a stab at my self esteem. It's not my fault I got mono and slept more than I was awake. Sorry I can't memorize Piaget's theory of development in like 20 minutes. I can't believe I couldn't get excused from my midterms.

Sorry, but I have another rant about school. I just registered for courses yesterday and apparently I can't get into this Nutrition course because I'm in my third year not my second. WTF? Why does that matter? It's not like the course is full or anything and it frigging starts with a 3 meaning that it's a third year course. My school is fucked. Or the nutrition department is fucked. One or the other. I'm so pissed.

I found this picture on lookbook.nu today of these beautiful jeans. They're like an optical allusion and make you look skinner.



Anyways, that's all! I hope you're all doing well!
Callie
xx

Worst Day

I've been having the worst day ever. I had two really hard midterms in my two hardest classes. I nearly slept through my first one which completely ruins my chances of getting a decent mark. I had no time to review and I did so so shitty. Then to add to the mess, my second midterm was incredibly hard. It's pretty much up in the air whether I passed either of them.

But hold on, it gets worse. I signed up with the mealhall at my school to get packed lunches so that I can grab my lunch in the morning and throw it out when no one else is around. It solves the "you're not eating lunch again?" problem. Anyway, today I had been having such a shitty day that I looked and saw what they had packed me. I hadn't looked at it before and it was surprising quite a decent lunch. They put a sandwich, juice, granola bar, apple, jello and one of those crackers with cheese spread things. So here I am in the library in between classes, starring at this lunch wondering whether or not I should eat the crackers and cheese spread thing. I eventually convince myself that it can't be more than 150 calories and that I suppose I could eat it such as I hadn't eaten my usual breakfast. So I eat the cheese and crackers, and then I eat the apple and the juice and the jello and the sandwich and all I have left is that granola bar. And I don't even like that type of granola bar. But I ate it.

If consuming a giant lunch isn't enough, I then went to mealhall and ate 3 pieces of pepperoni pizza, 2 glasses of diet pop and ice cream. I only have half an hour between classes and I managed to not only eat the giant lunch, but walk 10 minutes to mealhall and then eat another giant greasy fatty lunch. So then I only had 5 minutes before class, and I'm starting to feel really, really sick. So I threw it up. Hopefully all of it, because it took almost 20 minutes to get it all out. It was disgusting. I am so disgusted with myself and my lack of self-control. But of course, as I'm writing this I'm eating a peanut butter sandwich and I have a chocolate bar on my desk that will inevitably be eaten. I don't care. I've messed up so bad today, it doesn't even matter anymore. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

Oh and I also found out I didn't get the RA job I applied for. And I found out the person who made the decision is one of my close friends. I'm probably going to finish eating and then get some answers about it. Its so ridiculous. He's the one who wrote me this amazing reference and got me an interview and told me I was a shoo in. Then he didn't pick me. What the hell happened??

Maybe all this food can turn into brain food and help me study for my midterm tomorrow. In fact, I'm pretty sure I don't need to eat for the next few days because I've likely eaten 5 days worth of calories. This is honestly the worst day I've ever had. Food-wise and academically. I feel like such a failure right now. Also, I meant to start changing my posts into my weight instead of the date, but I'm way too scared to weight myself. I was so close to weighing 150 something and I've blown it. As usual, I'm screwing up things that were doing well for once. My grades, my job and now my weight.

Best of luck everyone, I hope your days aren't turning out like mine.
Callie
xx

Home, For Now

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling a million times better than my last post. I sleep about 10 hours a night now instead of 14 which is fantastic. I couldn't keep up with my schoolwork when I was sleeping so much, so sleeping less is a huge relief. And I've lost another 4lbs. I'm so close to weighing one-fifty-something instead of one-sixty-something. I really thought I wouldn't be here until summer since i was stuck at 168 for weeks and weeks. Actually more like months. It was terrible. My main goal is to not gain any of this weight back before summer. This may sound stupid, but I truely believe that the thinner I am the more likely I am to get a decent job this summer. So my main goal is to lose another 10lbs by May 1st. I think it's completely achievable. I've got a month and half, so that's not even 2lbs a week. I can do this.

I came home this weekend to get away from noisy residence life so I could sleep better. So far it's not too bad. Usually I fight with my mom every 5 minutes, but she's so worried about me and so fixated on how much weight I've lost that she's been pretty good. My mom is probably the tiniest skinniest mother I know. She's 5 foot 2 and 105lbs. She's like walking thinspiration, except she's my mom so I actually end up getting super upset and then stuffing my face with food. I would love to be the same size as my mom. I heard once that for every inch in height you should should weigh 3lbs more. So because I'm 4 inches taller than my mom, I should weigh 12lbs more, which is 117lbs. Ugh that is my dream weight. I spent like 2 hours last night on american apparel's website looking at all of their spandex-y wonderful clothes on skinny people. I saw this beautiful tight fitting dress that I want, but of course I'm not skinny enough. Maybe the end of the summer if all goes well. I think I'm going to order a 3-pack of t-shirts off their website tomorrow. Their just so comfy and well-fitting and the ones I bought last September are more like pajama shirts now because they're so loose. And I also want to buy a new flat iron. I can't decide between the Chi straightener and the Solia one. I wish someone would do a comparison on youtube or something. Sorry, I've been in a spending money mood for a few days with the birthday money I got last week. I just can't decide what to spend it on.

That's all for now, I hope everyone is doing well!
Callie

Sick

I just found out yesterday that I have mono. I woke up Thursday morning with a terrible sore throat, so I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with strep... and then they called yesterday to tell me I have mono. I'm not thrilled to have it, but it has its pros and cons. I'm super tired all the time. I sleep like 14 hours a night, and I eat nothing. Absolutely nothing. Today I ate some lettuce, the day before a piece of toast. Tomorrow I plan on eating a salad. Plus no one confronts me about not eating because I'm sick. And I'm never hungry. I get kind of hungry at 6ish, so I eat a snack and then I'm good till the next day! I hoping to lose 10lbs from this. I've already lost 4.

I also looked at a few apartments today with some friends. I still haven't heard about the RA position so I decided to start looking at houses. The ones I saw were really nice for student apartments. One was really big and well lit. It was definitely my favourite. Plus the bedroom I want, no one else wants. It's upstairs, unlike most of the bedrooms which are in the basement, and it has TWO closets. No one wants it because it can't fit a desk and a double bed, but I could care less. I want the closet space. But I need to figure out the RA thing first before I get into leases and bedrooms and everything. I'm getting way ahead of myself. Honestly I'd prefer the RA position. It pays the cost of food and my room (which would be a double - all to myself), and there would be less of a chance of people noticing what I eat. If I live off-campus I have to pay food and rent, and I know my friends will be on my back about food. They've been really annoying about it lately, but they've been better since they heard I was sick.

I don't really have much more to say and I'm exhausted so I'm going to go to bed. At 10pm. On a Saturday. Definitely on the con list of having mono.

I hope you're all doing well!
Callie

Blackberry!!

Hi everyone,

I got my blackberry and go far I am loving it. I'm just a little confused about how to use it. I've figured out all the basic stuff, but I still can't figure out how to move files from my computer to my phone. Or how to download ringtones, change themes, change background pictures, and much much more. But my best friend also got a blackberry pearl recently so we're kind of figuring it out together.

My mom brought me this huge cake for my birthday yesterday and I basically just dumped it in my floor lounge so my floor would eat it. I did have a piece, but it was pretty tiny. It's probably the reason why I'm still stuck at 168. Anyway, I figured out what to do for my birthday! I'm going to a pub downtown for a drink or two and then to the bar. There's only one bar here so I don't really have much choice. Apparently it's somewhat busy on Tuesdays, so I do get to go out dancing on my birthday!

I woke up so late today and I haven't eaten anything yet. I've got to finish up this paper for my class today and then go to that class, so I'll only be eating supper today. My goal is to eat under 300 calories. So maybe just some salad and a glass of soy milk.

I've really got to get back to the paper I'm writing, but I hope everyone is doing well!
Callie

Long Time, No Post

It seems like everytime I post I'm writing about how I haven't written in awhile. I have this tendency of not posting, and it's not that I'm losing motivation or anything, I just really suck at finding free time to post. I'm doing well. I'm still a cow, but I've lost 12lbs all together now (4lbs in the past week!). And my Birthday is coming up! I'm kind of apprehensive about it because I'm not sure what I'm going to do for my birthday. It's on a tuesday so my choices are pretty limited. I know most of my friends will suggest going out for drinks or dinner or dinner and drinks but that's all just calories and really I just want to go downtown and have fun. Maybe i'll just do drinks or something and make sure I don't eat more than 500 calories before I go out. Ugh I don't know. It's all calories and more calories to me. And I'm turning 20 and I'm kind of wishing I wasn't. I just feel like your 20's is when you're a 'real' adult and have lots of responsibilities and you get married and you have kids... It's overwhelming. I am not ready to be 20. I'm trying to look at it in a good way, like I'm going to be an adult so i need to get my life in gear and start eating well and lose all this fat, but it's hard.

On the bright side my parents bought me a blackberry for my birthday. I don't have it just yet, but I'm going to pick it out this afternoon. I think I'm going to get the blackberry pearl because it's smaller and prettier than the other blackberries I've seen. I'm so happy I'm finally getting one!

Another great thing, I went shopping last night for a new pair of jeans and I'm one size smaller! Woot! So I'm down from a size 12 to a size 10. Still wishing I was a size 2 but I'd rather be a 10 than a 12. Anyway I'm going to get back to the paper Im writing. It's been a terrible week for schoolwork because the olympics are on so I have a ton of stuff to catch up on now.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

Short One

I've had another long break form posting, and I apologize but I've been really overwhelmed with work lately. I've had 4/5 midterms so far so I just have one more tomorrow morning and then I'm free from midterms for another 2 or 3 weeks. Then I get to move on to papers and this giant research project. This semester is turning out to be way harder than I expected.

With all this chaos I haven't had anytime to eat or even think about eating. I lost 2.5 inches just in the past week. 1.5 from my hips and 1 inches from my waist. Plus I've lost 5lbs, which is pretty good for the past 10 days. I still have a lot to lose, but at least I'm moving in the right direction.

I haven't been running a lot lately. I've ran twice this week but that's about it. I don't really like running on treadmills as much as running outdoors, and there's a lot of snow here which kind of kills my motivation. Today it's mostly cleared off the sidewalks and roads, but I've got way too much studying to do and I don't really have time for a run. I can't wait for all this snow to disappear so I can get out for my run every morning!

I'm so sorry that this is such a short post, but I'll write more tomorrow and hopefully catch up on everyone's blogs.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

New Plan

I've completely worked out a new diet plan and this time I'm going to be super committed. I took measurements, recorded my weight, recorded my BMI and then took a picture of my body now in a bikini. The bikini picture was disgusting and I've hidden it on my computer so that it doesn't pop up with my iphoto pictures. Knowing me I'd probably end up accidentally showing it to someone if I left it on iphoto, so I thought I'd just be safe and hid it in my "resume" folder. Tomorrow I'm officially getting back to eating <1200 calories a day and running every morning. Surprising, my running endurance hasn't decreased at all over my past month of sedentary behaviour. I went for a run this morning fully expecting not to be able to run the whole 6km, but I made it. I'm quite shocked.

I had a midterm this morning that completely ruined my day. I have this one prof who can make even the easiest material into the hardest test possible and his midterm today was so hard. There was this ridiculous question that was worth 15 points that was on information he hadn't even covered in class. It was so unfair and I just feel so shitty about it. I can't stand shitty profs!

Speaking of other shitty things, I haven't heard about the RA position yet. I was supposed to hear about it today, but it's 8pm and there's still no email. I just want to know! Thinking about it makes me so anxious and it's definitely messing with my studying tonight. I keep getting the urge to check my email...

...checking my email
no email.

Okay, I'm not going to check my email until tomorrow morning because I am driving myself crazy over this.
I really need to get back to the assignment I was working on, so this is all for now. But I do want to say thanks to the people who have recently started following me (and the ones that were following me before!). It means so much to me, and it's a huge motivator for me to know that you're reading my blog!

Take care everyone and good luck!
Callie

I'm Back

Sorry for the extended hiatus from blogging. I really have no excuse other than the fact that I was incredibly bored, ate way too much food and felt like a complete failure. I was honestly so embarrassed of myself that I couldn't even blog about it. I didn't want to write about how I ate shitty food and was going to get even fatter than I am now. I'm not going to go into detail about it, but I pretty much was on a mild binge for a good week. It was disgusting, and now I am officially back in control. I am going to work this mess out.

Since I've last posted I've basically been busy studying and keeping on track with my courses. I also applied to be an RA and had my RA interview yesterday night! It went really well. I don't know if I'm going to get a position or not, but I'm really hoping I do! I think I would love the job.

I'm going out for my brother's birthday tonight and I'm planning on only eating a side salad with no dressing. I had a boiled egg for breakfast and that plus the salad means I'm staying on track! Oh and I also ate a dill pickle. Couldn't be happier about dill pickles at the moment. 5 calories each and I just love them. I have this giant jar in my fridge and I always just eat one when I'm feeling hungry. That way I don't feel guilty about eating a snack that has more calories.

That's about it really. I feel like I had so much to say when I started writing this post, but I guess this is going to be a short one. I'm going to go catch up on everyone's blogs now. I hope everyone is doing well!

Take care everyone and good luck!
Callie

Jealous Ex-Boyfriend

I've been having a really strange week. It's kind of a long story, but this past November I met this guy. I'll call him Eric. Eric and I kind of hit it off on the spot. I'd had a lot to drink that night, so parts of it are kind of a blur, but I remember having a really good time with him. The next night, I went out again with friends and with Eric. I had an okay time. I didn't drink that much, but I started to find out things about Eric that I wasn't exactly fond of. Not that I'm super snobby or anything, but I would call myself pretty ambitious, and Eric doesn't go to school or even have a job. He plays basketball with his friends and video games and thats about it. It's kind of a turn off to me, because I find hard-working people attractive. But that's not the only thing I found unattractive, it's just one of the main ones. Anyway, I went on a date with him the next week and I realized I just wasn't attracted to him whatsoever. So I told him a few days after the date that I just wasn't feeling attracted to him and that I felt like we'd make better friends. He seemed pretty cool with it, but now I always hear things through our mutual friends about how he's practically in love with me. He called my friend on new years and told her he wished I'd given him a chance. I feel so bad, I just was really wrapped up in exams at the time and probably didn't even notice that I hurt him.

I saw him again last night. There was a huge party going on and he came with a few of our friends. It was super awkward because his best friend is my best friend's boyfriend so anytime I'd talk to my best friend he'd be there with his friend. And then I started thinking about dancing with him when we got to the party, or even just talking to him. We kept making that awkward eye contact where I'd catch him starring and then he'd look away. So I got really, really confused and I just shrugged it off. Later on I got to the party and I was dancing on stage when my cousin came up to me and started dancing with me. It turns out he was the DJ at the party, so we couldn't really dance that long because he was working, but we just kind of danced and caught up on each others lives. So my cousin goes back to working and Eric comes up to me and asks me who I was dancing with. I told him it was my cousin, and he didn't believe me. He kept saying all this shit about how he'd never dance with his cousin the way I was dancing, which is completely ridiculous. I didn't even touch my cousin other than when I kissed him on the cheek when he came over to said hi, and when I hugged him when he left. I'm so confused. I was dancing with my cousin the exact same way anyone would dance with a friend. So I told Eric he was just being jealous and he flipped out. He ran on stage and started interrogating my cousin about his last name, and how he knew me and how we were related and shit. It was embarrassing and I felt so bad for my cousin. So I basically turn to Eric, tell him to fuck off and leave my cousin alone and then he walked away.

I woke up this morning and all I can think about is Eric. He was super jealous at the party and apparently I'm finding it attractive? It's so strange. I haven't met anyone else that I've even mildly liked since Eric and now I'm starting to worry if I'll ever find a boyfriend. Should I call Eric? Should I just leave it alone? I have no idea. In need to get my feelings sorted out.

I didn't eat all yesterday or today, although I had 4 shots of vodka last night and a bottle of diet coke today. And lots and lots of water of course. This would be ideal if I had gone to the gym for a bit, but of course I haven't. Starting tomorrow I'm going to get back into running every morning. I always feel better if I do my morning runs anyway.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

Started ABC!

It's strange that I haven't posted in awhile. I started the ABC on Monday and I successfully ate only 470 calories and yesterday I ate 450 calories and then had a martini. Not exactly under 500 calories, but it's close. I guess you could say that it's going well, but I think I'm going to stop. I meant to post the past few days, but I've been feeling really down lately. I was so excited to get back to school and now I just want to go home. Maybe when the workload picks up I'll feel differently, but I just feel like I want to leave. I'm so sick of shitty showers and annoying people. Seriously, I just wish everyone around me would grow up and get over the need to play load obnoxious music at 2pm on a Monday. It's completely unnecessary. I think I need to move. My point is that I haven't really been feeling like myself lately, and I think I'm going to concentrate on other things instead of ABC.

My RA is also being a total douche bag. She put this alcohol abuse themed thing on my floor's bulletin board with "This floor is rated 18A for alcohol abuse" in huge red letters. First off, it's the stupidest thing ever to write. I'm assuming the 18A part has to do with movie ratings, so apparently this means that the alcohol abuse on my floor is rated 18A? I don't even know. Then she puts up all these facts about alcohol abuse and alcoholism with these pictures and ads about drinking. First off, no one on my floor abuses alcohol and no one is an alcoholic (that I'm aware of). Yeah, my floor usually will get together on friday and saturday nights and have a few drinks, and yeah someone is always drunk. But it's not out of control. My RA is just using the bulletin board in a passive-aggressive way to say, "I think you're all alcoholics." My RA is super christian (not that there's anything wrong with that). She doesn't drink, she's engaged to some guy but has never slept with him, actually there's rumours that she's never kissed him. She's super judgemental and compared to her, my floor is a bunch of crazy, alcohol abusing, promiscuous people. I'm defending my floor on this one, because she's being a huge bitch. There's five people on my floor that are extremely immature, but I'm still friends with two of them. I do get really frustrated when it's 3am and they're out screaming in the hall, but I'm not going to go as far as putting up a judgmental sign. The thing was even put up with a staple gun, so it's got those huge staples that you can't pull out. My plan is just to get drunk and rip the thing down. Actually I might just go out at 5am and rip it down while I'm sober, but then she'd have a huge floor meeting about why my floor is a bunch of mean disrespectful people. I'm just so offended by that stupid sign. Ugh.

Okay back to what I was talking about earlier. I think I'm going to stop ABC because I'm feeling depressed. Not depressed enough to see a doctor, but I just don't want to have another thing on top of this. Besides, I hardly eat anything anymore. I just don't have the desire to eat. So instead of concentrating on ABC, I'm going to concentrate on getting lots of exercise. Exercise should make me happier. As soon as I start feeling more like myself, I'm going to try the ABC diet again and hopefully get further than two days!

Anyway, It's 1pm and I haven't gotten dressed or done anything other than write this post. I've got a class at 2pm so I'm going to get ready for that.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

Back At School

Sorry for not posted the past few days. I ended up going clubbing with some friends the past few nights and then sleeping off my hangovers in the mornings. Not exactly the healthiest lifestyle, but it was my last few days with my high school friends.

I'm back at school, typing this in my room in residence. I'm so happy to be back! I spend all yesterday catching up with friends who I actually really missed. I never realize how much I miss someone until I'm actually with them. It's so weird. Anyway, I'm finally done unpacking my room. I don't know why but I had like a whole trunk load more of my stuff o unpack onto my already full room. I have no where to put my suitcases and most of my hangers in my closet have at least two shirts on them. It's such a mess.

I'm starting ABC today, so I have to eat 500 calories or less. I haven't eaten anything yet because I only woke up an hour ago, but I'm going for lunch with a friend soon and I have no idea what I'm going to eat! I'm so nervous. Maybe I'll just eat a salad.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

I'm On A Healthy Streak

Another day without a major mess up! I went over my calorie goal of 1200 and ate 1320, but I didn't binge and everything I ate was healthy so I'm not going to let myself get worked up about it. And I finally got the car today and made good use of it by spending 2 hours at the gym! I ran on the treadmill for an hour (although I had to switch machines halfway through because of the 30 minute time limit) and then I spent 30 minutes biking, 20 minutes on the stairclimber and 10 minutes of the rowing machine. In total I burned 600 calories!! It definitely made up for the extra 120 calories I ate.

4 days till I'm back to school. I'm a little bit less excited about going back because my school's gym is super sucky and my gym at home is really nice. The gym at school has 5 treadmills, 5 elliptical machines, 3 stairclimbers and a rowing machine. The weird thing is they have like 20 bikes and hardly anyone uses them. They also have a really shitty circuit, it's super crowded and the weight area is completely dominated by super hot guys and it's really intimidating. I'm not that big on using weights, but you have to walk through the weight section to get to the stretching place. It's awkward. I'm always super sweaty and gross from doing cardio and then I have to walk through there! Ugh I hate it. My gym at home is so nice. It's not that busy, and it has so many cardio machines and an awesome circuit and the weight section isn't intimidating at all. Plus the equipments really new, and the only bad part about this gym is that they buy new equipment every year and it takes me a little while to get used to it. I wish I could take my gym with me!!

Good luck everyone!

Best Day

I have had the best day ever today. For once I ate healthy, and I've eaten under my goal of 1200 calories! I just need to keep this up and exercise lots and I should be able to meet my next BMI goal!

One of my friends called me earlier today to tell me she's engaged. It's exciting news and I was really happy for her when I was talking to her on the phone, but after I got off the phone I started thinking that maybe it's a bad idea. She goes to school on one side of the country, and he goes to school on the other so they're not together for 8 months of the year. They've never lived together. They've been together for a year, but they've been apart for 8 months of it. They plan on getting married in the summer, but then they're going to be apart for another 8 months. It's just a little strange. I've never met him, so I can't comment on the type of person he is, but I just think she's moving into it a bit too quickly.

I haven't exercised all day. I suppose I only ate 1080 calories, but I just wish that I had ran a bit on the treadmill. Blah. Well that's it. My life is starting to get really, really boring. I can't wait to get back to school.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

It's 2010...

It's weird writing 2010. I always get that feeling the first few days of a new year, but this year it seems even weirder. I don't go back to school for another week so I'm just lazing around home doing absolutely nothing at all. I'm getting so sick of being home. I just want to be back in my tiny room in residence. I even want to get back to classes. I'm just so bored of being home and having my parents tell me what to do. I'm almost 20, and for the majority of the year no one tells me what to do or where I can go. It's so frustrating. I'm an adult, I'm sick of being treated like a child.

I've never felt more like my blog title than I do today. I named my blog "Skinny on the Inside" because I feel like there's this thin person hiding inside me. Today I feel like I'm a thin person covered in an unremovable fat suit. I know that I did this to myself, and there's a reason why I've fat, but I just feel like there's this skinny person inside me trying to get free. I'm so sick of being fat. I want to be thin and wear beautiful clothes and not worry about how I look. Maybe I'm feeling trapped at home with all the rules and it's causing me to feel a little claustrophobic, but I just wish I could magically become this thin, beautiful person.

I haven't eaten yet today, but I know I'll have to eat some of my mandatory family dinner. I cannot wait to get out of this place and be back by myself. Well, not quite by myself - I live with 250 other people -I just want to have my own rules and eat the way I want.

Good luck everyone. I hope your day is going better than mine.
Callie

New Years Day

Hi Everyone
I've spent the majority of today thinking over some new years resolutions. I didn't wake up until 2pm, and I've been at my Aunt's for the past 4 hours, but I suppose I spent a good 3 hours thinking over my resolutions, so here they are.

1. Be 120lbs by December 31st
2. Think of what I eat as what I'm fueling my body with, not healthy/unhealthy or good/bad. I want to want to eat healthy
3. Join a yoga class
4. Wake up early (so I get more done. no more procrastinating!)

I contemplated making a fifth resolution because I thought 5 sounded like a nice number of resolutions, but I figured I should just stick with ones that mean something to me.

I also spent the majority of yesterday thinking over BMI goal rewards and weight goal rewards so here's my list of my weight goals with a reward and the date I hope to get there:

170lbs- 01/31
160lbs- 02/28
150lbs- 03/28
140lbs- 04/25
130lbs- 05/23
120lbs- 06/20

I don't have specific rewards for each of them yet but my ideas so far are new clothes, makeup, etc

BMI goals are:

28- 01/20
27- 02/10
26- 02/19
25- 03/18
24- 04/04
23- 04/15
22- 05/09
21- 05/23
20- 06/06

My rewards for BMI will be a little bit different. I'm thinking new exercise equipment (new weights, resistance bands, DVDs) or new workout clothes.

I'm really hoping these rewards will keep me motivated. There's so many of them, I can't see how they wouldn't. The only thing is I may have to adjust them depending on the rate I lose weight. Another huge motivator for me is this Wii Fit game my dad bought my mom for christmas. You have this little mii that reflects your height and weight distribution (mine's a huge fatty) and the game also tracks your weight. I absolutely love it. I refuse to weigh myself around anyone, but I love that I can see my progress. Anyway, that's all for tonight. I'm going to watch Julie and Julia with my mom. Her choice obviously, I'm really dreading watching a movie revolving around food.

Good luck everyone!
Callie