New Years Eve

Wow, I haven't posted for over a week. I feel like my "vacation" isn't much of a break. I seem to be always doing family stuff or seeing high school friends. I'm still waiting for that day that can be "me time". This past week I've been going out nearly every night. It seems to be a great diet because I've lost 3 pounds! Basically I don't eat all day (with the exception of Christmas dinners) and then I drink all night. I'm really excited for tonight too. I'm going to a friends house instead of downtown, and I'm really relieved about it. It costs so much to go to the bar. It's $50 for cover, plus drinks, plus cab ride home/hotel room. I'm so happy that I'm just going to party all night and then take a $10 cab ride home!

My Christmas went really well. I got a new camera which is fantastic. It seems to take great pictures and I can mess around with the features and stuff which is cool. I also got a lululemon hoodie which I've been wanting for the longest time! It's bright pink and I absolutely love it. It is so warm and cozy! I got a few books, some clothes the usual Christmas stuff. I also survived Christmas dinner. I ate turkey and carrots again and some pickles. I'm pretty proud of myself.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and that you all have a great New Year! A new year is like a new beginning to me. A new thin beginning, anyway. I will be so much thinner this time next year. I can't wait!

Good luck everyone and Happy New Year!
Callie

Christmas Eve

Sorry I haven't been posting lately. I just got so swamped with Christmas prep stuff! I always forget all the work you end up doing before Christmas.

I survived my first christmas dinner! I ate a piece of turkey and some cooked carrots. I left the rest of my food on my plate and for once no one noticed. I didn't even eat dessert, I just had a cup of coffee. Tomorrow is my next christmas dinner but it's just with my parents, my brother and my grandparents so I think I'll probably end up having to eat more then I ate yesterday. Oh well, I'm too excited about Christmas to worry about it!

I've been eating so much shit today. I ate an entire bagel with low fat cream cheese and i feel disgusting. But I went for a run and I'm hoping that it burned the majority of the calories off. My fingers are crossed.

That's it, no new news from me. I'm just busy busy busy with Christmas stuff. I'm actually going to go bake some shortbread cookies now. The thing about baking is that when you bake something, everyone just assumes you ate some. Plus I really like to bake.

Good luck everyone and Merry Christmas!
Callie

Cherry Pie Incident

I had an unfortunate incident with a piece of cherry pie. The first bite was so satisfying but by the last bite I felt like it was the most disgusting food ever. I thought about throwing it up but I didn't want anyone to hear and I told myself I wasn't going to go back to that because it's such a slippery slope for me. That cycle of bingeing and eating is addictive to me, and never really resulted in any "real" weight loss. The weight would always just come back. So I vetoed throwing up and then decided I'd run the calories off. I was on the treadmill for almost an hour before I got this really weird cramp in my shin, but I just decided to keep going because I always run for an hour and I only had 4 or 5 minutes to go. The pain kept getting worse and worse and eventually my leg literally gave out. I fell face first on the treadmill and then onto my cement basement floor but luckily I don't remember any of this. To make a long story short, my brother drove me to the hospital and I have shin splints which is the lamest thing ever. For those of you who don't know what shin splints is, it's when your muscle starts to separate from your bone on your shin and it makes it uncomfortable/painful to walk. I know I have shin splints, but I always push myself when they bother me and make myself finish my run. Now I can't run for a week and I'm supposed to ice my shin for he rest of today. I'm super pissed about this. Somehow I have to get through 3 Christmas dinners this week WITHOUT EXERCISING!?! How is that possible? I have no idea how I'm going to get away with this. I can't flat out refuse entrees, wine, an entire meal and dessert THREE TIMES. My parents will definitely know somethings up. Ugh i need some ideas as to what to do! I know I can pretend to have the flu for one of these days, but that still means I have 2 more dinners.

Other than the cherry pie (which I successfully burnt off) I haven't eaten anything else today. Now I just need to not eat for the rest of the week so I can actually lose some weight!

Good luck everyone!
Callie

It's Almost Christmas

I meant to take pictures when I did my out workout last night, except my power went out and my macbook was dead. My workout went really badly. First of all, I am way less flexible than I was two years ago and that really made a difference. I had to take three breaks and it took me an hour to finish! I'm so embarrassed about it and I'm really sore. My arms, abs and my entire legs hurt so much that it took a huge effort just to get out of bed this morning. I can't remember the last time I've ever been this sore. I just don't even want to move and I'm still really, really bored. I went out with my family and bought a christmas tree this morning and I also wrapped a few christmas gifts. I've got all of my gifts bought except for one. It's for one of my friends who is really hard to buy for. I just don't know what she'd like. I would go to the mall today, but it's supposed to snow a lot here tonight and I don't want to drive if the roads are slippery. Hopefully this snow will still be here on Christmas. I haven't had a white christmas for 4 or 5 years now.

I've been terrible today. I've already eaten 600 calories and it's not ever suppertime. So far I've had a bowl of special k, half a grilled cheese sandwich (shoved in my mouth by my mom), a few carrot and celery sticks and some brothy soup. The soup had noodles in it but I just didn't eat them. I don't really like pasta anyway. I should probably go walk my dog or do something more active than moping around the house. I am so so bored. I just heard the dryer go off. Maybe I'll fold laundry. I'm also doing that workout again tonight. It's going to be super painful, but I know I need to work hard. I've got a lot of weight to lose.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

Bored At Home

I'm so bored of being home. I do nothing all day long and I can just feel my brain turning into mush! I walked my dog about 5km early this afternoon. I would have walked further but it's -15 out (celsius), and I was starting to get that brain-freeze feeling from the wind. When did it get so cold out? I swear 3 weeks ago I was going to classes in just a sweater and now I'm wearing a sweater, coat, mittens, scarf, etc out just to walk my dog. Anyway, I was still so bored I ran on my mom's treadmill in the basement for an hour. I prefer running outside, but it's just too cold for that today. Now I'm contemplating doing this yoga video my mom got for her birthday, but I'm wondering if it's worth it. Does anyone know how many calories you can burn doing yoga? Maybe I should just do it. It's not like I have anything better to do.

Today I've eaten a bowl of special k (110 calories), some soup my mom made which was basically just chicken broth and some veggies. I have no idea how many calories are in the soup because it's homemade, but I'm assuming it's pretty low cal. And that's it! I'm feeling hungry at the moment, but I'm going to wait a few hours before I eat some more of that soup. Then I'm going to do this workout I used to do when I danced (and was really fit). I know I probably won't make it through the whole thing (it takes about 45 minutes) but I'll try my best. It's basically sautes (jumping up and down repetitively in a certain position), leg lifts, pushups, modified pushups, crunches, modified crunches and this little combination that kills your legs. The combination is three sautes (jumps) with you legs together, feet turned out and then you do a split jump to the right (so you jump and point your right leg to the wall in front of you and at the same time your left leg to the wall behind you, making you do the splits in the air) then when you land you roll on your butt turning behind and then stand up. You then repeat the process on the left (it's the same as the one before except you do the left splits in the air instead of the right). Anyways, I used to do 40 reps, stretch for 2 minutes and then repeat it. I doubt i could get to 20 reps now but I'll give it a try tonight and see how it goes. After the combination I used to do some conditioning, although I suppose it's not really a big calorie burner so I may not do it tonight.

Note: That combination sounds really complicated, and it's really not. I apologize for my inability to explain what it is. I'll take some pictures tonight and put them up so I can explain it better.

Good Luck Everyone!
Callie

Back Home

Sorry for not posting yesterday. It was my best friends birthday and I ended up getting caught up in the celebrations. I feel awful about it too because I had 4 gin and diet tonics which is about 400 calories! But I've eaten really healthy today to make up for it, probably around 800 calories or so. I'm in a really lazy mood right now and I don't really want to count it all up.

I'm back home today for Christmas break. I usually go crazy within an hour of being home, but so far so good. My parents have this habit of treating me like I'm much younger than I really am. I'm nearly 20, and everytime I leave the house they demand to know where I'm going, with who, what time I'll be home, etc etc. It's really excessive and completely unnecessary. I live by myself for most of the year!

Again, sorry for such a short post. I promise to write more tomorrow, I'm just really tired.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

Quick Update

I've had a terrible day so far. I ate half an egg salad sandwich and some mashed patatoes and turkey. So I've eaten maybe 800 calories? Although I wouldn't call it a terrible day, I was aiming for 500 and I failed miserably.

I apologize for not writing much but one of my friends is coming over to my room to watch a movie any minute now, and the last thing I want is to get caught.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

Exams

I have an exam tonight that I've barely studied for and I can't seem to get my act together and finally study for it. i've been sitting on my bed reading over my notes for nearly an hour and none of the information is sticking in my brain. Something I didn't mention in my past post is that I am a psychology major. Yup, I said my life contradicts itself. The thing is, although I most likely have numerous psychological disorders (I'll get into them later), I can't help but take interest in what causes them. I find psychology fascinating. It's one of the few subjects I've taken where I can say "wow, that is true." For example, my parents always forced me to "clean my plate" at each meal, and now I feel guilty when I don't. This would be called classical conditioning. It would also be a trigger for my eating disorder, but that's a different story. Hmm what else is interesting... Well, I do know that the perfect nap to have is 20 minutes or an hour and a half. 20 minutes because any shorter really isn't a nap, and the gap between 20 minutes and an hour and a half is a sleep cycle. So if you want to feel as well rested as possible, you should nap for one of those times.

Today has gotten off to a weird start. It's not that I've eaten much, it's just that I've eaten really shitty food. So far I've had 4 of the chocolates my friend bought me last night and 3 gummy worms. The chocolates are 320 calories, and the gummy worms are 75 calories. 395 calories total. I really need to start eating healthy, 395 calories is a meal. Anyway, I don't plan on eating until suppertime. I might have a piece of toast and some veggies. Maybe around 300 calories?? I think that would be a great start. And I really do not have the time to exercise today. I've barely studied for my exam tonight, and my exam doesn't end until 10pm which is the same time that the gym closes. I'd go for a run, but it is far too cold to be running at 10pm, and probably not that safe either. I'll have to settle for some pilates in my room after my exam. Maybe I could jumprope? Actually the girl who lives below me would probably kill me if I did that. I shouldn't complain, I'd do the same.
I should probably get back to studying, not that it'll be very productive.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

Edit: I have eaten so many calories today it is unreal. I had meatballs and rice for supper and a piece of pie! What was I thinking? What happened to toast and veggies?? This is disgusting. I'm such a failure.

First One

Hello, my name is Callie.

I'm a sophomore in University, and at the moment that is my main focus. I'm ambition driven, and I am a perfectionist when it comes to school, which is why I always make school my main focus.

Unfortunately, my perfectionism has never had a part in my feelings about my weight. I'm 5'5 and 180 pounds giving me a bmi of 29.5, which is dangerously close to obese. What more could anyone ask for as a motivator to lose weight, right? But no, apparently my weight is not a great enough motivator for me. I've tried so many times to finally lose weight and the closest I've ever gotten is losing 12lbs (except I've gained 2 of the 12 back). I know how to exercise and I know how to eat well, but somehow I can never get the two of them together or have the dedication to stick with a weight loss plan.

I need a diet that will keep me entertained and prevent me from getting bored. Now I'm not sure if this means I should have a super structured diet with lots of rules, or a diet with very few rules. All I know is I have the shortest attention span possible and I get bored very, very easily.

So why the hell would I plan to start a diet right before Christmas?

*Note: Just as I finished that sentence one of my friends dropped by to give me a Christmas gift... which was a box of chocolates. frig.

Why the hell am I starting a diet right before Christmas? I had an idea why and now it just seems crazy. Fuck.

I'll save that question for later on in this post. For now, I'll talk about me.

As I said I have serious commitment issues to weight loss plans, but I'm also extremely shy about going to weight loss group plans like weight watchers. I get anxious thinking about going to the gym at the beginning of an exercise plan because all I can think about is how everyone will be looking at me. I know it sounds crazy, but it really is true. I must have some type of social anxiety.

I also believe that I have an eating disorder. Not anorexia and not bulimia, but I do have weird tendencies around food. Like seriously messed up feelings that I've had since elementary school. For instance, anytime I eat a big meal at a restaurant I feel so guilty I spend as long as possible (without it being noticable) in the bathroom trying to throw up my meal. Sadly it is always unsuccessful. I wake up every morning telling myself that this is it. This is the day I eat healthy and start a diet. Honestly, I don't think I've ever eaten healthy a day in my life. By that I mean I always mess up. I always eat dessert or ice cream or chocolate or a hamburger. I'm just a big screw up when it comes to eating well.

And that's how I came to this. I truly believe that if I blog everyday and with the support from others, I could really lose weight. But there has to be rules that come with this blog:

1. I will blog everyday

2. I will be completely honest and never edit any part of this blog. If I type something down, I will not delete it. Everything you read in this blog are my exact thoughts word for word despite how confusing they may be

3. I will report my weight everyday

4. I will always say how much (or how little) I exercised

5. I will write down all "mess-ups"

6. I will delete comments that object to my "welfare"

Now that I have these rules, I'm thinking I should go for a diet with a lot of structure. Hmm this is tough. I may have to experiment with a few different diets.

Another thing I feel I should mention is that I live in residence. This means I do not have access to ANY kitchen appliances and have minimal funding for buying food. What I do have is a mini fridge and a temperamental microwave (affectionately dubbed "the devils span" by my floor) in my floor's lounge. It tends to sparatically catch on fire.

What else should you know about me? I enjoy swimming, running, kayaking and a good laugh. My friends are my life (I'll probably end up bitching about my problems with them in this blog). I'm in love with Christmas (although I hate the eating part) and I love makeup. I'm pretty good too, not makeup artist good, but I get a lot of compliments on my makeup. My financial state does tend to limit my possibilities though. I'm currently saving up for a coastal scents 88 palette of eyeshadows. Not that it's expensive, it's just that shipping doubles the price of the palette. I love lululemon and american apparel. I have a younger brother. My mom discusses my weight problems with me in front of strangers/friends/family and my dad likes to pretend that I'm still eleven. God I miss my dog. She's the only sane person in my family.

I'm off to plan a diet that is a) under 1200 calories b) involves excessive exercise

Good luck everyone!

Callie