I'm Back

Sorry for the extended hiatus from blogging. I really have no excuse other than the fact that I was incredibly bored, ate way too much food and felt like a complete failure. I was honestly so embarrassed of myself that I couldn't even blog about it. I didn't want to write about how I ate shitty food and was going to get even fatter than I am now. I'm not going to go into detail about it, but I pretty much was on a mild binge for a good week. It was disgusting, and now I am officially back in control. I am going to work this mess out.

Since I've last posted I've basically been busy studying and keeping on track with my courses. I also applied to be an RA and had my RA interview yesterday night! It went really well. I don't know if I'm going to get a position or not, but I'm really hoping I do! I think I would love the job.

I'm going out for my brother's birthday tonight and I'm planning on only eating a side salad with no dressing. I had a boiled egg for breakfast and that plus the salad means I'm staying on track! Oh and I also ate a dill pickle. Couldn't be happier about dill pickles at the moment. 5 calories each and I just love them. I have this giant jar in my fridge and I always just eat one when I'm feeling hungry. That way I don't feel guilty about eating a snack that has more calories.

That's about it really. I feel like I had so much to say when I started writing this post, but I guess this is going to be a short one. I'm going to go catch up on everyone's blogs now. I hope everyone is doing well!

Take care everyone and good luck!
Callie

Jealous Ex-Boyfriend

I've been having a really strange week. It's kind of a long story, but this past November I met this guy. I'll call him Eric. Eric and I kind of hit it off on the spot. I'd had a lot to drink that night, so parts of it are kind of a blur, but I remember having a really good time with him. The next night, I went out again with friends and with Eric. I had an okay time. I didn't drink that much, but I started to find out things about Eric that I wasn't exactly fond of. Not that I'm super snobby or anything, but I would call myself pretty ambitious, and Eric doesn't go to school or even have a job. He plays basketball with his friends and video games and thats about it. It's kind of a turn off to me, because I find hard-working people attractive. But that's not the only thing I found unattractive, it's just one of the main ones. Anyway, I went on a date with him the next week and I realized I just wasn't attracted to him whatsoever. So I told him a few days after the date that I just wasn't feeling attracted to him and that I felt like we'd make better friends. He seemed pretty cool with it, but now I always hear things through our mutual friends about how he's practically in love with me. He called my friend on new years and told her he wished I'd given him a chance. I feel so bad, I just was really wrapped up in exams at the time and probably didn't even notice that I hurt him.

I saw him again last night. There was a huge party going on and he came with a few of our friends. It was super awkward because his best friend is my best friend's boyfriend so anytime I'd talk to my best friend he'd be there with his friend. And then I started thinking about dancing with him when we got to the party, or even just talking to him. We kept making that awkward eye contact where I'd catch him starring and then he'd look away. So I got really, really confused and I just shrugged it off. Later on I got to the party and I was dancing on stage when my cousin came up to me and started dancing with me. It turns out he was the DJ at the party, so we couldn't really dance that long because he was working, but we just kind of danced and caught up on each others lives. So my cousin goes back to working and Eric comes up to me and asks me who I was dancing with. I told him it was my cousin, and he didn't believe me. He kept saying all this shit about how he'd never dance with his cousin the way I was dancing, which is completely ridiculous. I didn't even touch my cousin other than when I kissed him on the cheek when he came over to said hi, and when I hugged him when he left. I'm so confused. I was dancing with my cousin the exact same way anyone would dance with a friend. So I told Eric he was just being jealous and he flipped out. He ran on stage and started interrogating my cousin about his last name, and how he knew me and how we were related and shit. It was embarrassing and I felt so bad for my cousin. So I basically turn to Eric, tell him to fuck off and leave my cousin alone and then he walked away.

I woke up this morning and all I can think about is Eric. He was super jealous at the party and apparently I'm finding it attractive? It's so strange. I haven't met anyone else that I've even mildly liked since Eric and now I'm starting to worry if I'll ever find a boyfriend. Should I call Eric? Should I just leave it alone? I have no idea. In need to get my feelings sorted out.

I didn't eat all yesterday or today, although I had 4 shots of vodka last night and a bottle of diet coke today. And lots and lots of water of course. This would be ideal if I had gone to the gym for a bit, but of course I haven't. Starting tomorrow I'm going to get back into running every morning. I always feel better if I do my morning runs anyway.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

Started ABC!

It's strange that I haven't posted in awhile. I started the ABC on Monday and I successfully ate only 470 calories and yesterday I ate 450 calories and then had a martini. Not exactly under 500 calories, but it's close. I guess you could say that it's going well, but I think I'm going to stop. I meant to post the past few days, but I've been feeling really down lately. I was so excited to get back to school and now I just want to go home. Maybe when the workload picks up I'll feel differently, but I just feel like I want to leave. I'm so sick of shitty showers and annoying people. Seriously, I just wish everyone around me would grow up and get over the need to play load obnoxious music at 2pm on a Monday. It's completely unnecessary. I think I need to move. My point is that I haven't really been feeling like myself lately, and I think I'm going to concentrate on other things instead of ABC.

My RA is also being a total douche bag. She put this alcohol abuse themed thing on my floor's bulletin board with "This floor is rated 18A for alcohol abuse" in huge red letters. First off, it's the stupidest thing ever to write. I'm assuming the 18A part has to do with movie ratings, so apparently this means that the alcohol abuse on my floor is rated 18A? I don't even know. Then she puts up all these facts about alcohol abuse and alcoholism with these pictures and ads about drinking. First off, no one on my floor abuses alcohol and no one is an alcoholic (that I'm aware of). Yeah, my floor usually will get together on friday and saturday nights and have a few drinks, and yeah someone is always drunk. But it's not out of control. My RA is just using the bulletin board in a passive-aggressive way to say, "I think you're all alcoholics." My RA is super christian (not that there's anything wrong with that). She doesn't drink, she's engaged to some guy but has never slept with him, actually there's rumours that she's never kissed him. She's super judgemental and compared to her, my floor is a bunch of crazy, alcohol abusing, promiscuous people. I'm defending my floor on this one, because she's being a huge bitch. There's five people on my floor that are extremely immature, but I'm still friends with two of them. I do get really frustrated when it's 3am and they're out screaming in the hall, but I'm not going to go as far as putting up a judgmental sign. The thing was even put up with a staple gun, so it's got those huge staples that you can't pull out. My plan is just to get drunk and rip the thing down. Actually I might just go out at 5am and rip it down while I'm sober, but then she'd have a huge floor meeting about why my floor is a bunch of mean disrespectful people. I'm just so offended by that stupid sign. Ugh.

Okay back to what I was talking about earlier. I think I'm going to stop ABC because I'm feeling depressed. Not depressed enough to see a doctor, but I just don't want to have another thing on top of this. Besides, I hardly eat anything anymore. I just don't have the desire to eat. So instead of concentrating on ABC, I'm going to concentrate on getting lots of exercise. Exercise should make me happier. As soon as I start feeling more like myself, I'm going to try the ABC diet again and hopefully get further than two days!

Anyway, It's 1pm and I haven't gotten dressed or done anything other than write this post. I've got a class at 2pm so I'm going to get ready for that.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

Back At School

Sorry for not posted the past few days. I ended up going clubbing with some friends the past few nights and then sleeping off my hangovers in the mornings. Not exactly the healthiest lifestyle, but it was my last few days with my high school friends.

I'm back at school, typing this in my room in residence. I'm so happy to be back! I spend all yesterday catching up with friends who I actually really missed. I never realize how much I miss someone until I'm actually with them. It's so weird. Anyway, I'm finally done unpacking my room. I don't know why but I had like a whole trunk load more of my stuff o unpack onto my already full room. I have no where to put my suitcases and most of my hangers in my closet have at least two shirts on them. It's such a mess.

I'm starting ABC today, so I have to eat 500 calories or less. I haven't eaten anything yet because I only woke up an hour ago, but I'm going for lunch with a friend soon and I have no idea what I'm going to eat! I'm so nervous. Maybe I'll just eat a salad.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

I'm On A Healthy Streak

Another day without a major mess up! I went over my calorie goal of 1200 and ate 1320, but I didn't binge and everything I ate was healthy so I'm not going to let myself get worked up about it. And I finally got the car today and made good use of it by spending 2 hours at the gym! I ran on the treadmill for an hour (although I had to switch machines halfway through because of the 30 minute time limit) and then I spent 30 minutes biking, 20 minutes on the stairclimber and 10 minutes of the rowing machine. In total I burned 600 calories!! It definitely made up for the extra 120 calories I ate.

4 days till I'm back to school. I'm a little bit less excited about going back because my school's gym is super sucky and my gym at home is really nice. The gym at school has 5 treadmills, 5 elliptical machines, 3 stairclimbers and a rowing machine. The weird thing is they have like 20 bikes and hardly anyone uses them. They also have a really shitty circuit, it's super crowded and the weight area is completely dominated by super hot guys and it's really intimidating. I'm not that big on using weights, but you have to walk through the weight section to get to the stretching place. It's awkward. I'm always super sweaty and gross from doing cardio and then I have to walk through there! Ugh I hate it. My gym at home is so nice. It's not that busy, and it has so many cardio machines and an awesome circuit and the weight section isn't intimidating at all. Plus the equipments really new, and the only bad part about this gym is that they buy new equipment every year and it takes me a little while to get used to it. I wish I could take my gym with me!!

Good luck everyone!

Best Day

I have had the best day ever today. For once I ate healthy, and I've eaten under my goal of 1200 calories! I just need to keep this up and exercise lots and I should be able to meet my next BMI goal!

One of my friends called me earlier today to tell me she's engaged. It's exciting news and I was really happy for her when I was talking to her on the phone, but after I got off the phone I started thinking that maybe it's a bad idea. She goes to school on one side of the country, and he goes to school on the other so they're not together for 8 months of the year. They've never lived together. They've been together for a year, but they've been apart for 8 months of it. They plan on getting married in the summer, but then they're going to be apart for another 8 months. It's just a little strange. I've never met him, so I can't comment on the type of person he is, but I just think she's moving into it a bit too quickly.

I haven't exercised all day. I suppose I only ate 1080 calories, but I just wish that I had ran a bit on the treadmill. Blah. Well that's it. My life is starting to get really, really boring. I can't wait to get back to school.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

It's 2010...

It's weird writing 2010. I always get that feeling the first few days of a new year, but this year it seems even weirder. I don't go back to school for another week so I'm just lazing around home doing absolutely nothing at all. I'm getting so sick of being home. I just want to be back in my tiny room in residence. I even want to get back to classes. I'm just so bored of being home and having my parents tell me what to do. I'm almost 20, and for the majority of the year no one tells me what to do or where I can go. It's so frustrating. I'm an adult, I'm sick of being treated like a child.

I've never felt more like my blog title than I do today. I named my blog "Skinny on the Inside" because I feel like there's this thin person hiding inside me. Today I feel like I'm a thin person covered in an unremovable fat suit. I know that I did this to myself, and there's a reason why I've fat, but I just feel like there's this skinny person inside me trying to get free. I'm so sick of being fat. I want to be thin and wear beautiful clothes and not worry about how I look. Maybe I'm feeling trapped at home with all the rules and it's causing me to feel a little claustrophobic, but I just wish I could magically become this thin, beautiful person.

I haven't eaten yet today, but I know I'll have to eat some of my mandatory family dinner. I cannot wait to get out of this place and be back by myself. Well, not quite by myself - I live with 250 other people -I just want to have my own rules and eat the way I want.

Good luck everyone. I hope your day is going better than mine.
Callie

New Years Day

Hi Everyone
I've spent the majority of today thinking over some new years resolutions. I didn't wake up until 2pm, and I've been at my Aunt's for the past 4 hours, but I suppose I spent a good 3 hours thinking over my resolutions, so here they are.

1. Be 120lbs by December 31st
2. Think of what I eat as what I'm fueling my body with, not healthy/unhealthy or good/bad. I want to want to eat healthy
3. Join a yoga class
4. Wake up early (so I get more done. no more procrastinating!)

I contemplated making a fifth resolution because I thought 5 sounded like a nice number of resolutions, but I figured I should just stick with ones that mean something to me.

I also spent the majority of yesterday thinking over BMI goal rewards and weight goal rewards so here's my list of my weight goals with a reward and the date I hope to get there:

170lbs- 01/31
160lbs- 02/28
150lbs- 03/28
140lbs- 04/25
130lbs- 05/23
120lbs- 06/20

I don't have specific rewards for each of them yet but my ideas so far are new clothes, makeup, etc

BMI goals are:

28- 01/20
27- 02/10
26- 02/19
25- 03/18
24- 04/04
23- 04/15
22- 05/09
21- 05/23
20- 06/06

My rewards for BMI will be a little bit different. I'm thinking new exercise equipment (new weights, resistance bands, DVDs) or new workout clothes.

I'm really hoping these rewards will keep me motivated. There's so many of them, I can't see how they wouldn't. The only thing is I may have to adjust them depending on the rate I lose weight. Another huge motivator for me is this Wii Fit game my dad bought my mom for christmas. You have this little mii that reflects your height and weight distribution (mine's a huge fatty) and the game also tracks your weight. I absolutely love it. I refuse to weigh myself around anyone, but I love that I can see my progress. Anyway, that's all for tonight. I'm going to watch Julie and Julia with my mom. Her choice obviously, I'm really dreading watching a movie revolving around food.

Good luck everyone!
Callie