Korea?

I learned about eating disorders in my child development class today. I didn't really think that much of it at the time, but after awhile I started noticing that my friend kept trying to catch my eye. So I turn and look in her direction and I mouthed 'what' to her. And she just rolls her eyes and turns away. I found it weird at the time, but afterwords she confronted me about my 'disordered eating' and how I'm losing weight. All I really said was that I need to lose weight. I don't think anyone could come back with a truly honest comeback for that one. And of course, she couldn't. She just talked about how I skip meals and such and I just said it was because I'd eaten a lot the meal before. I just came up with an excuse for everything she said. It was kind of a close call. I don't really want her monitoring every thing I eat at every meal. In all honestly, I actually avoid eating with this girl because she always comments on what I'm eating. And I don't really like her that much. She lives fairly far away from me next year and I think I'm just going to avoid her. She's super negative all the time and kind of depressing to be around. Plus she goes out three or four times a week which really isn't much of a good influence for me when I'm trying to cut back on alcohol.

Haven't lost anymore weight. I'm still stuck at 158. I been eating way too much lately. I'm trying to use clothes as inspiration but it's not working. I might just go for a really long run to burn off some of the calories I ate today.

Some exciting news- I got a call from a department in the government asking me if I wanted to schedule a job interview for a summer job with them. I couldn't be more excited! They pay really well and it's a 9-5 job, so I'd have weekends and nights off to be with my friends. It's perfect!

Also, I've been thinking more and more about going to teach English in a different country. Right now I'm kind of stuck on Korea. I can't get the thought out of my head. But if I did decide to go, I wouldn't go until I'm done my degree, which isn't for two more years. I just can't stop thinking about it. I keep looking at blogs by people who are in Korea or have been in Korea teaching english. Some of them are so good, I'm going to keep up on reading them. I'm just worried about not speaking Korean/not knowing anyone who lives in the country. I'm sure you'd meet other people through orientation, but I wonder if they'd be in the same city as you. Hmm. Anyway, its just something that's been on my mind lately.

I've got a few goals for April. The first being blogging more often such as I've done 9(?) blogs this month. It's pathetic, I've got way more time on my hands than that. Plus, I find blogging almost therapeutic. I get all of my feelings out and I can talk about anything I want and whoever I want. It's works out well. So I'm hoping to blog either everyday or once every two or three days.
My second goal is to lose 10 pounds. I want to be 148 by May 1st.

Anyway, that's about it. Take care everyone!
Callie
xx

Photoshoot

I read an article today about how losing weight is 70% diet and 30% exercise. Being someone who exercises frequently, I found this kind of disheartening. I do try my best to always eat healthy, but it is so hard at times. Well, I guess now I'll just have to try harder. In a way it makes sense. When I eat 500-800 calories I lose weight pretty quickly, whereas if I eat 1500 and go for a long run I don't really lose weight that quickly. I guess I should stop running and quit eating. Although I don't think I could ever give up running, I like it too much!

Not much has changed since yesterday. I skipped my classes today to work at a photoshoot. It wasn't anything big, it was just a photographer who has a few models he always shoots. One of them was my good friend who recommended me as a makeup artist. I was so flattered! Anyway, I had a blast working there and I got paid $20 a model. Pretty decent pay when all I'm doing is practicing and gaining experience. Plus it only took me about 30 minutes for each model, and they provided makeup that was given to them by maybelline. The only main problem is that I hate maybelline mascara. Like absolutely despise it. I think out of all their mascaras there's only two I like and neither of them were provided since they are not new mascaras. So I was stuck with great lash mascara and some even shittier kind which, honestly, I didn't even know was possible. I always thought great lash was the absolute worst, but apparently I'm wrong. It was awful. I didn't even know what to do, the stuff clumped so bad! In the end, it was okay. He didn't do any close up shots, so it just made their eyelashes look really thick. I did the best I could with it really. But the rest was so great!

I haven't eaten all day because I was too nervous this morning and after seeing all the models I never want to eat again. Ugh, two of them were so skinny you could see almost all of their ribs. I'm so incredibly jealous.

Apparently Eva Longoria is a double zero. She's so gorgeous and so tiny.



No change in my weight. Not necessarily bad, I was just hoping to lose at least a pound today since I'm fasting. So disappointing.

Good luck everyone!
Callie
xx

Lease

I'm feeling really fat today. I've got this feeling that I have now turned into this giant balloon. It's terrible, I hate feeling like this. I went out last night with a few friends. It was a ton of fun in the beginning. I was looking prettier than usual and had quite a lot to drink so by the time I got to the bar I was quite drunk. So I'm at the bar, and this one guy who was somewhat decent looking starts dancing with me. So everything's fine, he bought me a drink, we go back to dancing, and this guy will not stop kissing my neck. I know it sounds weird, but I'd been dancing with him for like 15 minutes tops and usually I wouldn't mind, especially since he was a really good kisser. It's just that as soon as he showed me he actually liked me, all I could think about was whether or not I would sleep with him. And then I start feeling like a cow. And all I can think about is sleeping with him would mean I'd be naked. And he'd see me naked. And I'm a giant cow. So all these thoughts are going through my head and the alcohol is making me feel dizzy, and he's still kissing my neck and I make some kind of excuse up and ran away from him. It was so unlike me. I have this nice, good-looking guy who liked me and I ran away? Ugh, what is wrong with me? Anyway, the rest of my night went pretty well. I met some random people and befriended them. Smoked about three cigarettes (although I don't smoke), had a few more drinks and avoided dancing with every single guy. Even this really hot guy whose in one of my classes. Who I'm in love with. I have major, major issues.

Moving on to happy things, I signed my lease last week, and it turns out my grandparents are moving so I can get a lot furniture and dishes and such from them for free! It's perfect timing. Plus I have the best roommates in the world, I'm just (still) worried about food and what will happen. Oh well, it's not for another five months. I'll worry about it then.

And here's some thinspiration for the upcoming week. I always seem to eat less monday-friday than on weekends. It probably has to do with alcohol.





And after all my drinking last night it appears I've lost two pounds. Very, very weird. There's probably something wrong with my scale. I'm going to head out for a run and hopefully sometime this afternoon I can make it to the gym.

Good luck everyone!
Callie

Feeling Better

Hi everyone!
I'm feeling 1000x better than my last post. I think I'm finally getting over mono and should be back to normal soon! I'm still keeping my weight down, but I'm struggling with it. I refuse to gain any of the weight I lost when I was sick. It's not happening.

School has been killing me lately. On top of having mono I had three midterms and a gigantic paper due last week. I'm still recuperating from it, but I keep getting shitty marks back on my midterms. Each mark is like a stab at my self esteem. It's not my fault I got mono and slept more than I was awake. Sorry I can't memorize Piaget's theory of development in like 20 minutes. I can't believe I couldn't get excused from my midterms.

Sorry, but I have another rant about school. I just registered for courses yesterday and apparently I can't get into this Nutrition course because I'm in my third year not my second. WTF? Why does that matter? It's not like the course is full or anything and it frigging starts with a 3 meaning that it's a third year course. My school is fucked. Or the nutrition department is fucked. One or the other. I'm so pissed.

I found this picture on lookbook.nu today of these beautiful jeans. They're like an optical allusion and make you look skinner.



Anyways, that's all! I hope you're all doing well!
Callie
xx

Worst Day

I've been having the worst day ever. I had two really hard midterms in my two hardest classes. I nearly slept through my first one which completely ruins my chances of getting a decent mark. I had no time to review and I did so so shitty. Then to add to the mess, my second midterm was incredibly hard. It's pretty much up in the air whether I passed either of them.

But hold on, it gets worse. I signed up with the mealhall at my school to get packed lunches so that I can grab my lunch in the morning and throw it out when no one else is around. It solves the "you're not eating lunch again?" problem. Anyway, today I had been having such a shitty day that I looked and saw what they had packed me. I hadn't looked at it before and it was surprising quite a decent lunch. They put a sandwich, juice, granola bar, apple, jello and one of those crackers with cheese spread things. So here I am in the library in between classes, starring at this lunch wondering whether or not I should eat the crackers and cheese spread thing. I eventually convince myself that it can't be more than 150 calories and that I suppose I could eat it such as I hadn't eaten my usual breakfast. So I eat the cheese and crackers, and then I eat the apple and the juice and the jello and the sandwich and all I have left is that granola bar. And I don't even like that type of granola bar. But I ate it.

If consuming a giant lunch isn't enough, I then went to mealhall and ate 3 pieces of pepperoni pizza, 2 glasses of diet pop and ice cream. I only have half an hour between classes and I managed to not only eat the giant lunch, but walk 10 minutes to mealhall and then eat another giant greasy fatty lunch. So then I only had 5 minutes before class, and I'm starting to feel really, really sick. So I threw it up. Hopefully all of it, because it took almost 20 minutes to get it all out. It was disgusting. I am so disgusted with myself and my lack of self-control. But of course, as I'm writing this I'm eating a peanut butter sandwich and I have a chocolate bar on my desk that will inevitably be eaten. I don't care. I've messed up so bad today, it doesn't even matter anymore. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

Oh and I also found out I didn't get the RA job I applied for. And I found out the person who made the decision is one of my close friends. I'm probably going to finish eating and then get some answers about it. Its so ridiculous. He's the one who wrote me this amazing reference and got me an interview and told me I was a shoo in. Then he didn't pick me. What the hell happened??

Maybe all this food can turn into brain food and help me study for my midterm tomorrow. In fact, I'm pretty sure I don't need to eat for the next few days because I've likely eaten 5 days worth of calories. This is honestly the worst day I've ever had. Food-wise and academically. I feel like such a failure right now. Also, I meant to start changing my posts into my weight instead of the date, but I'm way too scared to weight myself. I was so close to weighing 150 something and I've blown it. As usual, I'm screwing up things that were doing well for once. My grades, my job and now my weight.

Best of luck everyone, I hope your days aren't turning out like mine.
Callie
xx

Home, For Now

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling a million times better than my last post. I sleep about 10 hours a night now instead of 14 which is fantastic. I couldn't keep up with my schoolwork when I was sleeping so much, so sleeping less is a huge relief. And I've lost another 4lbs. I'm so close to weighing one-fifty-something instead of one-sixty-something. I really thought I wouldn't be here until summer since i was stuck at 168 for weeks and weeks. Actually more like months. It was terrible. My main goal is to not gain any of this weight back before summer. This may sound stupid, but I truely believe that the thinner I am the more likely I am to get a decent job this summer. So my main goal is to lose another 10lbs by May 1st. I think it's completely achievable. I've got a month and half, so that's not even 2lbs a week. I can do this.

I came home this weekend to get away from noisy residence life so I could sleep better. So far it's not too bad. Usually I fight with my mom every 5 minutes, but she's so worried about me and so fixated on how much weight I've lost that she's been pretty good. My mom is probably the tiniest skinniest mother I know. She's 5 foot 2 and 105lbs. She's like walking thinspiration, except she's my mom so I actually end up getting super upset and then stuffing my face with food. I would love to be the same size as my mom. I heard once that for every inch in height you should should weigh 3lbs more. So because I'm 4 inches taller than my mom, I should weigh 12lbs more, which is 117lbs. Ugh that is my dream weight. I spent like 2 hours last night on american apparel's website looking at all of their spandex-y wonderful clothes on skinny people. I saw this beautiful tight fitting dress that I want, but of course I'm not skinny enough. Maybe the end of the summer if all goes well. I think I'm going to order a 3-pack of t-shirts off their website tomorrow. Their just so comfy and well-fitting and the ones I bought last September are more like pajama shirts now because they're so loose. And I also want to buy a new flat iron. I can't decide between the Chi straightener and the Solia one. I wish someone would do a comparison on youtube or something. Sorry, I've been in a spending money mood for a few days with the birthday money I got last week. I just can't decide what to spend it on.

That's all for now, I hope everyone is doing well!
Callie

Sick

I just found out yesterday that I have mono. I woke up Thursday morning with a terrible sore throat, so I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with strep... and then they called yesterday to tell me I have mono. I'm not thrilled to have it, but it has its pros and cons. I'm super tired all the time. I sleep like 14 hours a night, and I eat nothing. Absolutely nothing. Today I ate some lettuce, the day before a piece of toast. Tomorrow I plan on eating a salad. Plus no one confronts me about not eating because I'm sick. And I'm never hungry. I get kind of hungry at 6ish, so I eat a snack and then I'm good till the next day! I hoping to lose 10lbs from this. I've already lost 4.

I also looked at a few apartments today with some friends. I still haven't heard about the RA position so I decided to start looking at houses. The ones I saw were really nice for student apartments. One was really big and well lit. It was definitely my favourite. Plus the bedroom I want, no one else wants. It's upstairs, unlike most of the bedrooms which are in the basement, and it has TWO closets. No one wants it because it can't fit a desk and a double bed, but I could care less. I want the closet space. But I need to figure out the RA thing first before I get into leases and bedrooms and everything. I'm getting way ahead of myself. Honestly I'd prefer the RA position. It pays the cost of food and my room (which would be a double - all to myself), and there would be less of a chance of people noticing what I eat. If I live off-campus I have to pay food and rent, and I know my friends will be on my back about food. They've been really annoying about it lately, but they've been better since they heard I was sick.

I don't really have much more to say and I'm exhausted so I'm going to go to bed. At 10pm. On a Saturday. Definitely on the con list of having mono.

I hope you're all doing well!
Callie

Blackberry!!

Hi everyone,

I got my blackberry and go far I am loving it. I'm just a little confused about how to use it. I've figured out all the basic stuff, but I still can't figure out how to move files from my computer to my phone. Or how to download ringtones, change themes, change background pictures, and much much more. But my best friend also got a blackberry pearl recently so we're kind of figuring it out together.

My mom brought me this huge cake for my birthday yesterday and I basically just dumped it in my floor lounge so my floor would eat it. I did have a piece, but it was pretty tiny. It's probably the reason why I'm still stuck at 168. Anyway, I figured out what to do for my birthday! I'm going to a pub downtown for a drink or two and then to the bar. There's only one bar here so I don't really have much choice. Apparently it's somewhat busy on Tuesdays, so I do get to go out dancing on my birthday!

I woke up so late today and I haven't eaten anything yet. I've got to finish up this paper for my class today and then go to that class, so I'll only be eating supper today. My goal is to eat under 300 calories. So maybe just some salad and a glass of soy milk.

I've really got to get back to the paper I'm writing, but I hope everyone is doing well!
Callie