Worst Day

I've been having the worst day ever. I had two really hard midterms in my two hardest classes. I nearly slept through my first one which completely ruins my chances of getting a decent mark. I had no time to review and I did so so shitty. Then to add to the mess, my second midterm was incredibly hard. It's pretty much up in the air whether I passed either of them.

But hold on, it gets worse. I signed up with the mealhall at my school to get packed lunches so that I can grab my lunch in the morning and throw it out when no one else is around. It solves the "you're not eating lunch again?" problem. Anyway, today I had been having such a shitty day that I looked and saw what they had packed me. I hadn't looked at it before and it was surprising quite a decent lunch. They put a sandwich, juice, granola bar, apple, jello and one of those crackers with cheese spread things. So here I am in the library in between classes, starring at this lunch wondering whether or not I should eat the crackers and cheese spread thing. I eventually convince myself that it can't be more than 150 calories and that I suppose I could eat it such as I hadn't eaten my usual breakfast. So I eat the cheese and crackers, and then I eat the apple and the juice and the jello and the sandwich and all I have left is that granola bar. And I don't even like that type of granola bar. But I ate it.

If consuming a giant lunch isn't enough, I then went to mealhall and ate 3 pieces of pepperoni pizza, 2 glasses of diet pop and ice cream. I only have half an hour between classes and I managed to not only eat the giant lunch, but walk 10 minutes to mealhall and then eat another giant greasy fatty lunch. So then I only had 5 minutes before class, and I'm starting to feel really, really sick. So I threw it up. Hopefully all of it, because it took almost 20 minutes to get it all out. It was disgusting. I am so disgusted with myself and my lack of self-control. But of course, as I'm writing this I'm eating a peanut butter sandwich and I have a chocolate bar on my desk that will inevitably be eaten. I don't care. I've messed up so bad today, it doesn't even matter anymore. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

Oh and I also found out I didn't get the RA job I applied for. And I found out the person who made the decision is one of my close friends. I'm probably going to finish eating and then get some answers about it. Its so ridiculous. He's the one who wrote me this amazing reference and got me an interview and told me I was a shoo in. Then he didn't pick me. What the hell happened??

Maybe all this food can turn into brain food and help me study for my midterm tomorrow. In fact, I'm pretty sure I don't need to eat for the next few days because I've likely eaten 5 days worth of calories. This is honestly the worst day I've ever had. Food-wise and academically. I feel like such a failure right now. Also, I meant to start changing my posts into my weight instead of the date, but I'm way too scared to weight myself. I was so close to weighing 150 something and I've blown it. As usual, I'm screwing up things that were doing well for once. My grades, my job and now my weight.

Best of luck everyone, I hope your days aren't turning out like mine.
Callie
xx

Home, For Now

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling a million times better than my last post. I sleep about 10 hours a night now instead of 14 which is fantastic. I couldn't keep up with my schoolwork when I was sleeping so much, so sleeping less is a huge relief. And I've lost another 4lbs. I'm so close to weighing one-fifty-something instead of one-sixty-something. I really thought I wouldn't be here until summer since i was stuck at 168 for weeks and weeks. Actually more like months. It was terrible. My main goal is to not gain any of this weight back before summer. This may sound stupid, but I truely believe that the thinner I am the more likely I am to get a decent job this summer. So my main goal is to lose another 10lbs by May 1st. I think it's completely achievable. I've got a month and half, so that's not even 2lbs a week. I can do this.

I came home this weekend to get away from noisy residence life so I could sleep better. So far it's not too bad. Usually I fight with my mom every 5 minutes, but she's so worried about me and so fixated on how much weight I've lost that she's been pretty good. My mom is probably the tiniest skinniest mother I know. She's 5 foot 2 and 105lbs. She's like walking thinspiration, except she's my mom so I actually end up getting super upset and then stuffing my face with food. I would love to be the same size as my mom. I heard once that for every inch in height you should should weigh 3lbs more. So because I'm 4 inches taller than my mom, I should weigh 12lbs more, which is 117lbs. Ugh that is my dream weight. I spent like 2 hours last night on american apparel's website looking at all of their spandex-y wonderful clothes on skinny people. I saw this beautiful tight fitting dress that I want, but of course I'm not skinny enough. Maybe the end of the summer if all goes well. I think I'm going to order a 3-pack of t-shirts off their website tomorrow. Their just so comfy and well-fitting and the ones I bought last September are more like pajama shirts now because they're so loose. And I also want to buy a new flat iron. I can't decide between the Chi straightener and the Solia one. I wish someone would do a comparison on youtube or something. Sorry, I've been in a spending money mood for a few days with the birthday money I got last week. I just can't decide what to spend it on.

That's all for now, I hope everyone is doing well!
Callie